A month and a half ago, I really thought that Coronavirus was just flu. When the first sick people began coming in with horrific chest X-rays, the first thing that came over me was a brutal bewilderment, an exaggerated instability. We began to face an illness that we had not studied and we had no idea how to deal with it (in fact, we almost had to change the way we dealt with it on a daily basis). A tremendous frustration in front of so many sick people that we felt we were not helping. At the same time, the number of patients in the hospital was completely overwhelming us.

During this time, moreover, the disease hit my family through the death of my grandmother, affecting my uncles and my father as well. We often say that we are not mortal, but my gosh how this changes when it becomes flesh that we really are not, that life ends. What suffering to go through the death and fear of loved ones. I have lived moments of total panic over what might happen to my family, and even more so seeing what was happening in the hospital.

I have experienced the separation, the loneliness of the sick. I have seen them die alone in their rooms while their families cried over the phone when they were informed that things were not going well, or when they suddenly burst into tears and told you that half of their family was seriously ill. I have gone from making 21st century medicine to making war medicine, from the trenches. Patients who in a "normal" situation would not die, are now dying.

For me, this has been living the real intensely. A reality in front of which my reason becomes impatient and rebels, as Julián Carrón's letter says. I am not made for death, I am not made for distance from patients, I am not made for loneliness, I am not made for war medicine, where we barely fight to save as many people as we can, those who have greater possibility of survival. In the face of all this, I have found myself in panic, crying inconsolably or completely paralyzed in my office at the hospital.

There have been many things that have rescued me from nothingness and that continue to rescue me, and they all make me realize that the Lord is at the helm of the boat.

In the Medicine and People video, the doctor who speaks says that he works for health, but that health is only a means, but the true purpose of life is to know Another. This has made me turn everything upside down, because it has broken down my petty measures and has allowed me to walk again.

Furthermore, a few days ago, my sister, while I was bombarding her with all of my questions, stressing that I did not know how the Lord was going to get something good out of all this, stopped and, very serious and sure, said to me: "María, the Lord has already suffered death, He was crucified and has risen for all of us." She left me completely silent, and, in fact, she has accompanied me through these days. In the midst of all my thoughts, this had never been my starting point. What a change to start the day in a relationship with the One who has already gone through and conquered pain…

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In these days, companionship has become more essential than ever. I have understood this better than ever; in the face of this challenge, mere words are not enough for me. Companionship at this time has been certain faces - my husband, my friends, my family... Looking at them, I cannot not deny that He loves me very much. Once, I came home from work crying like the Magdalene and told my husband that I did not want my patients to die, that I was tired, that I could not stand the pain any longer; and he, looking at me, after a moment of silence in front of the pain of what I was telling him, whispered that he too would die one day, that it was a miracle that we had got married, and that without Christ’s resurrection it would not have been possible. Those eyes from heaven were holding me, sustaining me, in full flight.

This has also allowed me to be companionship for other doctors at work. We began to see patients who, a month ago, would have been easily cured and would have been happy with their families, who were now dying on us. One of my colleagues told me that we were suckers, that we had chosen a crap profession…And I stopped and asked her the real question, the real question, why did she choose to become a doctor? She answered immediately that it was to help others and what was once a burden was still heavy but with a meaning.

I could tell you a million things about these days... But, first and foremost, I ask you to pray for me and my colleagues.
Needier than ever.

María, Madrid, Spain#Coronavirus