"What gives my heart peace”

A young doctor with his questions and fears. Amazement that tears you away from distraction. The desire to be silent. And the need to be "seized" every time...

I have been a doctor for about a year and I have been doing work experience in a hospital. In the last few days, faced with what is happening, this question emerged in me: "Lord, what are you asking of me?"

This situation has put me back in front of Him, has awakened an infinite need for Him, to surprise Him in my life. I became aware of the need, in the morning and after the day's work, of silence in order to embrace what is happening to me. Hannah Arendt says: "Every crisis (...) forces us to return to questions," and this is what has happened to me in these days marked by the pandemic. Two facts struck me particularly.

Two Saturdays ago, two friends got married. After Mass, I went with them whilst they had their photos taken in a small park right next to the Church. The few people who were still out and about looked at them in amazement. I found myself overcome by that amazement that arises when you are faced with something great, that tears you away from what you are doing. In this period, where chaos reigns, Christ, present in their union and walking through the park with their legs, showed himself through their faces.

A 69-year-old man, who had already been hospitalized for two months, has been admitted to my ward for twenty days. From the very first day, he would say to me: "Doctor, I want to go home, where do I have to sign? I do not want to be here anymore”. He repeated this to me everyday, often loudly, shouting and threatening me. I grew increasingly fond of him. Every once in a while we would exchange a few words. One day, I needed to attach an IV to him, so I took him to the pre-surgical room and stayed with him. From that day on, I realized that he had changed, he was never grumpy again. In fact, I noticed a strange happiness that I could not explain. I then spoke to his wife who said: "You know, doctor, when you are here, my husband feels safe." I felt the dizzy feeling of being used by Another to change that man’s heart.

I recount this second event, because when Carrón wrote: "Because the enemy we find before us is not so much coronavirus as it is fear”, I asked myself: "Where is this fear embodied in my life, where do I experience this fear?” I have realized that during this time, I find that I am worried for these elderly people that I am caring for, because they are the last, fragile in health and soul, and often alone. But faced with the fear that I feel for this man, fearful that he might become infected, when what I have just described happened to me, I was really overwhelmed by the invasion of Christ who says to me: "But do you not realize? I have brought your lives together to restore joy to the man and to give you back the certainty that I am always there, that I am what you need to give peace to your heart”.

Read also - "If Christ were not here, I would run away"

If, the other day, I had not received the email from the School of Community that reminded me of Carrón's article, which I had already filed away, I would not have noticed all these things. In this, I also recognize the fact that my person really needs to be taken, "seized", attracted, involved by the flesh of Christ, by His Presence within this companionship that I so often shy away from in order to manage things myself.

Carlo, Milan, Italy