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A New Beginning

Thanks to a visit from a friend, Amanda experiences "the newness for which [she] was longing," leading to a new gaze upon herself.

We recently had the privilege of a visit from a friend to our small St. Louis based community. His visit came at a particularly good time as I was in need of a new beginning. Over the past weeks, I had noticed that my work had become the measure of my worth. I had been struggling with fatigue due to a long season as a high school volleyball coach, and I had been frustrated because my level of productivity was suffering due to the long hours I put in each day. As a result of all of this, I was struggling to remember that I was preferred, loved, and chosen. But it was through the shared company, meal, and conversation with my friend that I experienced the newness for which I was longing. It was more than just an enriching experience; it was a moment that changed me. His words were very simple, yet they challenged me in how I was measuring myself. His gaze almost communicated directly to my heart that I was loved. I was reminded that my worth is not measured according to what I do or how I do it.

Following this visit, I began to change the way I approached my work. I was convinced (I have been before, but I needed to be convinced again) that I do not define my own measure. My measure is based on the preference Christ has for me, and this conviction gave me a freedom to be less hard on myself, to be 'ok' with a constant state of fatigue, and certain that I was loved no matter how much work I might be able to accomplish in a given day. This freedom also affected the way in which I looked at my students and my volleyball players. I was less concerned about things being done quickly or correctly, but focused more on being with them with whatever time I was given. My hope is that the gaze I have for my students can communicate a preference in the way my friend gazed upon me.

Amanda, Missouri, USA