Climbing up the steps of the coach bus to ride a muscle-stiffening 8 hours to Michigan’s UP, I thought I knew what I was getting myself into. The G.S. Summer Vacation 2018 was my fifth summer vacation, and I had been involved in the planning for a couple months in advance. With expectation, I remembered the joy and burning of my heart from past vacations. Subconsciously, I thought I knew how to make this the best vacation. I would have great conversations. I would be happy in the intense chaos of violent games, long hikes, great talks, and carefree singing. I thought I knew who Christ was.

Instead, for the first two days I was completely sad. I felt like I didn’t fit in. I was lonely and self conscious. Desperately, I tried to figure out what I was doing wrong. I had helped plan many of these events we were doing, but still, the meaning I thought I had known eluded me. I thought there was something wrong with me as I saw others laughing and smiling.

While all these thoughts intermittently ran through my head, I became aware that I could not and had never been able to make myself happy, make things beautiful, or make things move me. The giant poster with the quote “We live for love of something happening now” glared at me during every talk, asking, “What are you living and looking for? What are you loving?” I became aware of the preconceptions I had come with and the measure I had set on myself to be a certain way. I had taken so much for granted.

The next day we were on the bus winding down skinny, dirt roads on the way to our longer hike. I ended up sitting by my friend, Elijah. We had an honest conversation, in which I ended up telling him how I really felt and what I was really experiencing. He said that he had been experiencing a very similar sadness. But he also said that this sadness was the sign of his heart in relationship with Christ. I was opened up because I became aware that my heart wasn’t alone and it wasn’t faulty. Through this awareness, I realized that I was with these people because I need help to be attentive to my heart, to my life, and to the new way Christ is happening. I also immediately recognized that Elijah’s proposal--that my sadness is a sign of my heart in relationship with Christ--is true for three reasons:

1. Sadness is a sign of me missing something. I cannot miss something that isn’t true or that I haven’t experienced before.
2. This sadness is actually a sign of my heart being alive. My heart being alive isn’t just a happy feeling.
3. This sadness is a gift because I am discovering something deeper. I am coming to realize that this companionship is deeper than my feelings and abilities.

I was bowled over by how these people are truly my friends and companions on a journey with me. I am with them not for good feelings, good conversations, and a good time. I am with them simply to become more familiar with the event of Christ that happens to us and among us, and which is not generated by us. The rest of the vacation changed for me and was so beautiful, not because my emotions and circumstances were different, but because I was aware of what was happening to me. As I jumped off of a pier with 50 other kids into the freezing waters of Lake Superior and was beaten with foam bats and noodles in the games, I was happy because of this companionship. Through my sadness and tiredness, I was grateful for this companionship. Where else can I be completely honest, loved for who I am, and united to these people in such a remarkable, real way? I became clearly certain that Someone is among us, and that Someone is giving me these things. My desire only grew to understand and see this Someone more.

Before this vacation, I could have said the right words. I could have recounted old experiences. But, without Christ present, everything fades to dust. As one of my friends said, “Away from this companionship these words mean nothing.” We live for the love of something happening now. This fact is the one and only starting point.

Tommy