When I first read Father Jim Zimmer’s letter to his trainer and to all of us, his friends, I was convinced of a connection greater than I could ever understand. Somehow I knew that the way he looked at his cycling was helpful for me, a reminder for me of how to look at my mathematics.

I am a graduate student, working on my masters in mathematics, and it is more often than I would like to admit that this path of study is miserable. There have been many moments when I actively considered leaving it all behind and doing something with my time and talent that is less of a burden, something that seems more attractive. However, I am always convinced, even in the midst of these questions and frustrations, that this is where I am supposed to be, this is what I am supposed to be doing, even when I wish my place was anywhere other than here.

The first time I read Father’s letter, I recognized something that was helpful for me. In the letter, Father was begging. He asked for four things for this great ride: 1. A place to stay. 2. A friend to ride with him. 3. A trainer. 4. Accompaniment: a cheering squad. At the point of his asking, the first three items had already been spoken for. The fourth, however, was left to be claimed, and somehow, I knew that was to be my role in his journey. When I read the letter in February, I said to myself, “I will be there.” And so began my own journey of discovering Something Greater than myself.
Throughout the months of his preparation for the big ride (240 miles through the Rockies over the course of two days, including three mountain peaks both days, a ride called the Double Triple Bypass), I followed his training, keeping up-to-date, more or less, on how his rides were going – how long he was riding, who he was riding with, and how he was feeling. I checked in with him most weeks at School of Community and was genuinely interested in his progress. I wanted to see him succeed almost as much as he wanted to succeed. (I say almost because wanting it as much as he did would be basically impossible.)

Meanwhile, I was struggling in every regard in Brookings. The math was more difficult than I was comfortable admitting, friendships were changing rapidly from incredible experiences of genuine life-sharing to exhausting experiences of reduced humanity (reduced almost entirely into sexual or religious affiliation), and my prayer and faith were floundering more than I thought was ever possible. I was becoming withdrawn and cynical, unable to confront the reality of my own needs, all while trying to verify my own certainty that Christ was living and active.

I remember the moment I told Father that I was going to be able to cheer him on in the mountains. His whole expression lit up, and his surprise was tangible. I think, in that fourth request, he expected cheering squads to be present in spirit from a distance, so when the accompaniment became a physical possibility, he was left in awe. For me, it was something that I had to do. Maybe here was the possibility for me to wake up. It had to be so!

And it was. It happened! I don’t know how. I can’t name it. I can’t say, “It happened at the moment when…” or, “When Father crossed the finish line, I knew…” There are no specific moments associated with the newness I am experiencing, but I know that it is true because before the ride, I was not myself. I was lonely, scared, and sad all the time, and I constantly felt trapped in my own life. I had forgotten who I was, What I was made for, Who I belonged to, and how to live. But since the ride, I have been happy again, I am bold again, I know God is real, and I am certain of Christ and His presence active in my life. And I no longer have to force myself to be convinced of these things – I just am.

So badly, I long to be able to say more clearly what happened, but It is too mysterious for me to pinpoint. What I do know, with certainty, is that this experience has verified for me, more than any other moment, an Event. Somewhere between Brookings and Denver, Christ met me, and I began to freely follow Him again. I have been reminded of the freedom to beg for my needs, and so I beg – please pray for me as I prepare for my comprehensive math exams in August. I cannot succeed on my own – Father reminded me of that, and so I follow Him as the beggar that I am.

“Until the preference of God penetrates our deepest depths, becoming ours, we will continue to prefer idols. How can such a new thing happen? Only an event capable of touching the “I” in its innermost depths, according to the gentle style of God, which is to give freedom, to give and evoke love, only an event capable of attracting the “I” to the point of evoking its acknowledgment and adhesion, can enter the human heart without violence. God has taken this initiative, has become an event in history, has entered into the life of women and men as a man, and has given Himself for us, to win us over with the power of His attraction, in freedom, to redeem us from within.” - Fraternity Exercises, 2016, page 32.