As we’ve done for the past twelve years, my wife Naomi and I attended the Spiritual Exercises of the Fraternity in Florham Park, NJ over this weekend. Our daughter Georgia Ann is six years old and as we’ve often done over the past few years, my parents took care of the babysitting for the weekend while we were on the retreat.

This year, however, we discovered that the last day of the retreat was scheduled to end later than we expected. After going back and forth on how we could manage to do what we needed to get our daughter back home and to bed at a decent hour, we decided to leave before the retreat officially ended. So, after the morning lesson, we said a few goodbyes and took off. Since mass was scheduled at the end of the retreat, the first thing we needed to do was find the closest 12pm mass. Using my iPhone, I asked Siri to find me the closest Catholic Church with a noon mass and she told us to go to Holy Family Church in Florham Park. It was just a few minutes away so we decided to go there and finish our silence at the Church.

I was already feeling disappointed and downhearted because of several things, one of them being my embarrassment at revealing my weakness in front of my friends during the small group breakout session, another of them being that I was distracted and tired during the morning lesson. My attention was in and out, there was a resistance in me which I could not explain. Every once in a while I’d take notes. Otherwise, I would stare out the window or listen to Carrón, completely unmoved, occasionally thinking to myself “I’ve heard all this already”. Considering the sacrifices the fraternity retreat asks of me, to become aware of the fact that I was potentially wasting my time disturbed me.
Also, I had a moment when I thought to myself. “If only I had sat next to my wife, she would’ve noticed me like this and tried to snap me out of it. But because I sat all the way in the back, now I’m all by myself with my limits…”

When it was time to leave, it felt wrong. In all the years we’ve been coming to the Exercises, we’ve never had to leave early. Even though I was inwardly distracted and distant from the lesson, I still wanted to complete the gesture.

On our way to the Church, I started to feel bored, doubtful, and despondent. I thought to myself, “How dreadful! We have to find some mass in the middle of nowhere. It’s going to be so boring.” I already figured out how it was going to go – that I was going to be bored, full of harsh judgements about the people, the town, the music, the priest, the décor of the Church, etc.

We entered the parking lot of the Church, parked the car, and sat waiting. We were there early, but of the parishioners were beginning to come for the mass. As people were walking by, I was already full of judgements and opinions about “these people”.
I fiddled with my iPhone for a moment while waiting in the car and saw that someone had posted a review of this Church on google. I thought “How ridiculous it is to review a Church!” But my curiosity got the best of me so I read it. The reviewer gave the Church five stars and added one line – “the priests in this Church move my heart”. “We’ll see about that”, I thought. I closed my iPhone, checked the time, and told Naomi it was time to go.

As we were walking toward the front of the Church I saw the celebrant standing outside greeting parishioners and immediately I thought “leave me alone. Just let me go in the Church without bothering me”. We greeted him politely and went inside.

As we sat in the pew I looked around for things to criticize and started to get irritated at all the usual things found inside a Catholic Church: the flowers, the plants, the candle, the altar. I hated it all. I thought “All of this makes me feel as though I’m at someone’s wake. It reminds me of death. I can’t stand it”.

Then the mass began. I had an issue with everything: the cantor, the organist, the lector, the music. Even the gospel irritated me because its mysterious content was not immediately understandable nor able to shake me out of my cynical stupor.

Then something happened. The priest began his homily and challenged the congregation. “Are we wasting our time here?” Don’t we have better things to do today – cooking meals, sleeping in after a night of partying, letting our children play games, preparing for company, etc.? Are we losing our time by being here?” “No” he said, “we are not losing anything because here we experience God’s presence”. I suddenly woke up. He continued on and spoke more about God’s presence, and on our receiving and experiencing God’s presence here so that our lives can be different, that we can share with the world what we have received. It was a very simple homily but it moved me to the core. I found myself in tears listening to this priest. My heart was aching with love because in that moment I knew it was the Lord, it was Christ caressing me, reassuring me that He was here. But what moved me most was the surprise. I wasn’t expecting Him. I wasn’t expecting anything good from going to this mass. I was expecting utter boredom. Instead, I received His loving presence, His mercy on me. Through this simple priest, He spoke to my heart, reassuring me that He can appear in any circumstance, and even when my heart is closed and crusted. In one moment, He can break through, and make me human again. It also made me realize that we didn’t lose anything because His Church is one body. Our friends back at the retreat, and Naomi and I at this little Church, were in front of and belong to that same loving Presence.
I felt myself again and everything suddenly became beautiful – the people, the Church, the parishioners – everything.

When mass ended we shook hands with the priest outside the Church in the usual polite manner. But I rather wanted to embrace this man and thank him for his words, for his “yes” to Christ. Feeling inhibited, I continued on to the car.

After Naomi and I got in, we both remarked how struck we were by this priest. Then Naomi said “I was going to give him a copy of the Giussani DVD, but…” then I immediately jumped in my seat and exclaimed, “Why didn’t you give it to him!? Give it to me. I’ll give it to him now” I suddenly felt bold and excited. Naomi handed me a copy of the DVD and I ran back to the Church. He wasn’t outside anymore so I ran inside to see if I could find him. He was standing at the side of the Church talking with a parishioner so I walked up to him. I explained everything to him: that we were at a retreat, that his words so reminded us of the language of the movement, that we had to leave early, etc. Then I presented the DVD as a gift. Then he told me that he knew who Giusanni was and had listened to many of his “sermons” online. He went on to explain that he was from Poland and also lived in Florence, Italy for some time and that it was there that he learned of Giussani. He was surprised to learn that he was “famous” in America. I went on to tell him about the Movement, how it has taken root in America, and he seemed very happy to hear about it. He then very genuinely welcomed me to visit him any time we were in the area.

I ran back to the car only to find Naomi walking towards the Church. I said “where are you going?!” and she replied with a smile “I got jealous”. I told her my whole conversation with the priest and she responded by saying “that was Christ’s fondness for you”.

Thank you, Christ, for your inexplicable fondness of me, and for surprising me with Your mercy. Thank you for re-igniting my hope in You.