The week before I left for the New York Encounter, I received a phone call from one of the top organizations in my field for an interview. I was alarmed by the fact that in front of this opportunity my reaction was that of fear instead of gratitude. The fact that I was fearful of attending this interview frustrated me because just the day before I had in me a great desire to live. This fear paralyzed me so much that I could not prepare for the interview. I tried to reason myself out of this fear but it did not work and it got worse. I did not want to engage with reality, and withdrawing from attending the NY Encounter and guiding the exhibit on the Christian refugees, was an option I began to consider.

While speaking to my friend Marta (who was in charge of the exhibit), I was hoping she would bail me out. On the contrary, Marta helped me with this fear and refused to allow me to compromise on my desire. I began to look at the theme of the Encounter with seriousness. The question, “Is there an attraction capable of overcoming my fear?” became MY question, which up until that point had remained a poetic slogan. I became aware of the fact that I could not generate this attraction, yet my life depended on it. This awareness led to an openness towards my preparation for the work of the exhibit on the Christians in the Middle East and the 3 days at the Encounter.

Looking back, the way I lived the days at the Encounter is the way in which I want to live the rest of my life. The complete awareness that I had for my poverty lead me to follow Fr. Jose’ Medina’s invitation to look at the faces of people who were glad while volunteering at the Encounter. As a guide at the exhibit, the faces of Bassam, Intezzar, and Zein were not just 2 dimensional pictures stuck on the wall, but were faces in whom I found repose (like the Psalmist says). I was looking at the faces of the saints of the present time. Listening to Vittadini’s final Assembly with the volunteers, I realized that the origin of gladness for the refugees in Jordan was not because they were seeking fulfillment of their desires according to their own measure and images, but the openness and the certainty that Someone fulfills their desire to be loved. This was made evident because of the fact that they are alive!!! I saw a people where faith had a grasp on their sense of self, so much so that I began to desire this for myself! Guiding the exhibit became a prayer; I want to recognize You, because without You I fear. The Encounter and the exhibit became not a hiding place from my worries but a place of prayer that opened me up to the world without fear. I realized I was free, I was happy, and this was not contingent on how many people came to the exhibit, how well I guided, or the reactions of the people. I wanted to see Him and this made me free.

The verification for me that I had lived something true at the New York Encounter was that I began to prepare for the interview on my return home. I took an earlier flight home so I could get ready for the interview and I was full of gratitude to Him when I entered the interview, because it was not a result of my might that I was able to do so. My present circumstances are not rosy, instead they are fraught with instability. But, they either become an occasion to feel sorry for myself or to verify again the challenge laid out by Fr. Jose’, “Is there a possibility of beauty in life when it is not chosen? Is there a possibility of fullness of life when life is given?”